Another Step Into My Life

I thank my childhood friend, Melissa, for always encouraging me to express myself freely through the minds of the papers. I look forward to using them.

On the side note. I wanna go old school. I’ve told myself I was going to start writing a journal, for the first time in my serious life. I don’t have to write in it everyday, but I have to at least carry it with me wherever I go. So anyways. I’m going to start writing again. Express less through blogs, facebook statuses and tweets. I think it’s a better way to freely express myself the way I enjoy to. :)

15 Things To Give Up In Order To Be Happy

halcyonicpursuit:

Things I need to remind myself. 

(Source: thealbertliao)

Where to now?

Summer 2012

I’ve decided that since I haven’t been doing much with my life these last 23 years, this summer I’m going to have an adventure. I’ll try my hardest not to say no to any invites unless I know I’m unable to attend. I’ll try my hardest to enjoy the summer sun and not hibernate as much. I’ll try to enjoy life a little more this summer. I look forward to my adventure. This is something new for me. I’m really an excited. 

You see me nothing more as someone who’s lazy and can’t do anything for herself. You see me as never giving myself any motivation to do anything. You tell me that I should take more classes as I am getting older and I can no longer continue to stay in school at this rate. But for me I have my reasons. I tell you but all you’ll tell me is that it doesn’t matter and that as long as I finish, that’s all that matters. But truthfully, if you had gone down this road, you would know how it’s like. I limit myself because I know I won’t be able to do it. I limit myself because I see you are struggling. I limit myself not just for you but for myself. I know my limit. I want to finish just as much, because everyone around me is going off and doing there own things as I’m still sitting around here doing the same thing over and over. While everyone is succeeding, you only see me continuing to fail. And because of that I feel that all i am doing is failing why the people around me are all succeeding. Give me hope and support because that’s what I need more than you continuously comparing me to others. At first I ignored it. Later I learned to accept it. Now, its just going too far to the point where I feel you no longer want to support me. I’ve learned to accept all the criticism you’ve given me. I’ve learned to accept all those times you’ve compared me to other. I’ve learned to accept all those hateful things you try to say in order to encourage me only more. I’ve learned to accept the way you want to motivate me to keep moving forward. But now, it’s going too far. It’s going too far to the point where I feel that they are nothing more than comment to continue to bring me down and I feel that I have no reason to keep doing what I’m doing. It’s because of those constant nagging that I feel like I don’t deserve it anymore and that I shouldn’t even be where I am. That I should quit and just give it all up. Even though I don’t want that, I feel that sometimes, it’s the only way to think now. I love you but I wish you’d stop. Know that I have limits and feelings. Just because I don’t talk back, doesn’t mean I’m ignoring you. I listen, to the point where I have to leave the room because I hate the way you react to things I do or say. To the point where I rather continue to isolate myself and just do what I do best and stay out of everyone’s way. At times like this, I no longer know how to feel.

Ua tsaug os

Day 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Pog,

It’s three o’clock in the morning. I am pulling an all nighter studying for my exam on Monday. I’m honestly getting nowhere, but I have found the courage to write this letter challenge. 

There are so many things that are going through my mind. And there will be times during this typing that I will want to break down into tears but will only hold them back. Not only am I listening to such a sad song that’s telling me to not cry, but because I want to be strong.

It has been five, almost six months since you’ve gone. About the same time since I’ve really thought about you and wrote you on tumblr expressing how I’ve felt. The first time I’ve probably cried since the funeral. You must be question why I’ve not cried since then. Well, I try to keep myself strong. Show no tears and tell myself I can’t be weak. I visited you two weeks ago with a smile across my face, ear to ear, and so many things to tell you. I was so happy to have visited. Sadly, the time before that visit, I was so upset. I don’t know why. I couldn’t bare to say a word and I was unable to shed a tear. 

To hold back all my tears I try not to think about you and all the things you’ve done for me and for everyone. I want to think back to all the times I would come and spend the weekend with you or just come and hang out. I want to think back to all the times you’ve called me an idiot for crying at something so stupid. I want to think back to all the times you yell at me because I’m doing something wrong and was not thinking. I want to think back to all the times I’ve gotten mad at you because you couldn’t understand my point of view. I want to think back so much, but no matter how much I do, it brings tears to my eyes and it makes me stop. 

I know it’s stupid of me for holding back my tears and you probably call me silly for doing such a thing. You tell me it’s okay to cry and that I shouldn’t hold it back. You tell me it’s not wrong to cry and pat my head while comforting me. 

Pog, I miss you so much and sometimes I don’t know how I do it. Yes, I’m a fool to hold back all these stupid tears just because I want to be strong for myself, but having held it for almost six months now, I don’t know whether I’ll be strong or weak tomorrow or for the rest of the year. 

These past few days all I can think about is the year mark coming soon and what I’ll do. How will I handle it. Will I avoid it all possible causes or will I build the courage? As the weekends approach I feel like I have to get ready to come and spend my weekend with you. I start questioning my parents again as to where they are going this weekend. Sometimes in the back of my mind, I tell myself that I’ll have to take time out of my busy schedule and come hang out with you.

I miss it all. Even though I hated it at times, I miss it all too. I know I’m being a little foolish for thinking of all these things but I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I feel like my weekends are wasted because you aren’t here anymore.

I know you’re happy where you are. You are happy with everyone you are with. I know you’re watching over all of us and making sure we’re all doing fine. I know you’re helping in every way you can. I’ve learned to accept and understand all that’s happened. I know you are doing great and you are doing better than you were here. 

I guess it’s because I miss seeing you. I miss seeing your face. I miss hugging you and asking you how you’re doing. I miss your smile and laugh. I miss listening to you complain about the food and the chef on the food network channel. I miss spending time with you and just being with you. I miss your presence and I miss you being here physically.

I know that no matter how much I wish for you to come back, it’ll never happen. All I can hope for now is to hear your voice in my dreams or to see you in my dreams again. To feel your touch somehow and to possibly touch you one last time again. 

First of all, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong or have hurt you in any way. I understand that I wasn’t in my best mindset but I am learning. I’m sorry for anything that I’ve said to have hurt you, since I only have done it our of anger and was unable to find another way to express it. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve complained and for all the times I had refused. I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t listen and for all the times I’ve neglected. I regret it so much, but I’m sure you’ll just probably tell me that it isn’t anything to worry about.

Secondly, thank you for everything you’ve taught me and given me. You gave me a great family, especially a great father, not one but five. You’ve raised me to love and care for my parents and to love you, especially. You’ve raised me to respect those around me and especially my elders. You’ve given me as much freedom as I could possibly get and you didn’t let yourself get in the way of my life. You taught me how to love and care for everyone. You taught me to listen and to never let anything stop me from doing what I want to do.

But aside from all these sad moments and all my crying, I’m doing great. I must say, I’ve been having a bad couple weeks lately. I’ve been in bad moods and I haven’t been myself. I’ve started to isolate myself and feel like I needed more time to myself. Truthfully, I just need to cry. Thank you. I’ll continue to stay strong and show no sign of tears, as do I always. I carry on with a smile and appreciate things and people around me more. I will take care of myself and make sure I am happy. 

In all honesty, I’ve been teary eyes these past few days. For some reason everything brought tears to my eyes, but I always held it back. I guess sometimes it’s okay to cry. I guess sometimes it’s okay to show a little sign of weakness. But I guess I’m just too afraid sometimes. 

I’ll do my best in life and I’ll enjoy it while I still can. I can’t wait for spring and I can’t wait to visit again. I can’t wait to build the courage to write another letter on tumblr for you as well.

I love you very much and I miss you every day. 

Day 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Dear _____,

I think that as the years go by, and how much we’re starting to live our lives, I feel like we don’t just sit down and talk as much as we use to. I know it’s weird to even think that you would be the person that I would be writing to, but I guess it’s just me. But I guess that’s the kind of person I am. I use to feel comfortable telling you everything and know that I’ll get some kind of response back. 

In the past I was able to tell you everything and how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through. In the past I was able to express myself freely. But now I just feel like it’s a waste of time telling my side of the story. I’ve come to realize that sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to talk to anymore or what to think.

I mean, we still hang out and talk about what’s we’ve been up to in life, but we don’t talk like we use to. I guess we’re just growing up. We’re moving on from our past. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking too much into this. Yeah? 

But no matter what, I hope you are doing well and that you’re in good health. I hope you are being the person you are and will always be. I love you, truly.

-Joua

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

Yawg,

There were always two people that I wanted to meet whether they were alive or dead. One was always you and one was Martin Luther King. A man who was so inspiring and a man who fought for his people.

I’ve always wondered what life would have been like if you were here still, as a part of our lives. Would you still be lounging around with us kids and having the times of your lives in your 90’s. You were someone I always wanted to know more about. You were someone I always wished was a part of our lives. I think I would have seen life a little more differently and a little more happily. Ever since I was young, I’ve always dreamed of having that grandpa figure in my life. One who’ll spoil me and love me, like any grandparent. Even if I’ve never met you, I miss you at times. I don’t find it weird, I just feel that at times, you were always there watching over us and caring for us the best that you can. 

In my mind, I see you as a loving and caring father. Someone who would never hurt our family and would always find a way to love us equally. I feel that you would have loved all your grandkids and would have wanted to spend as much time with us as you could, just like Pog. I always dreamed that if we were able to meet one day, I would have so much to ask you. What kind of person you where. What kind of people my parents were. What kind of people we’ve become. Whether or not we have been brought up properly or not. And so many more other things.

I picture you in your young state, and we’ll be sitting somewhere nice having a cup of coffee as you tell me tales and talk about all the things you’ve been through in your life.

At times I feel like this is reality and that you’re really out there somewhere, but even I know that isn’t true. At times I feel like I can really do all those things, but know that I can’t. Even though at times I wished it were true and that you were still really here, I know that one day I’ll be able to meet you and one day we’ll get to do all that.

I hope that you are doing well wherever you and grandma is. 

Sincerely,

Maiv Ntsuas Vaj

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Dearest You,

To be honest, you disappeared like thin air and it makes me miss you while writing this. 

We don’t know much about each other, hell, we haven’t even met each other in real life, but I still want to call you my friend. You gave me hope and taught me to love life. You taught me that there’ll always be hardships in our lives and that sometimes we have to trust even those outside our comfort zone. You were someone I thought about whenever I was having a good or bad day. You were someone I wished I knew outside the world of technology. Even though you have disappeared into thin air, I really wish we would be able to meet one day and be best friends. 

You are a wonderful friend and someone that I felt comfortable talking to the moment we were introduced. You were someone that I felt needed a friend, and I was someone that needed a friend.

Honestly, if I was able to go back into time, I would make every effort into setting up a play date, and definitely become good friends with you.

Now that I don’t know what’s going on in your life, as much as you don’t know what’s going on in mines. I hope you are well and having a blast. I hope that you’ll always think about yourself and make sure you are doing everything that you want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do. I hope that you are taking on all the challenges that come your way without hesitation. I hope that you will be happy with whoever you meet along the way. I hope that no matter what, you’ll wake up every morning knowing that even though it’s a new day, what you did yesterday will impact on what you do today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life.

You were a friend that inspired me. You were a friend I was able to communicate with. You were a friend I thought I could never have. 

And as we always said, Chong is to blame, but no matter what, we’ll soon meet. We’re like two lost lovers waiting to meet! :)

Sincerely, Joua

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